The Invisible Black Woman

I’ve taken a gigantic step back from social media. But social being what it is, I’m highly confident no one noticed. I’m still “performing my duties as assigned,” meaning I’m posting and amplifying Black women on LinkedIn. Still posting BlueNotes throughout the week.

Everything else has fallen by the wayside, it seems. Friendships that turned out to be empty and fictitious have fallen away. People who were once in my corner no longer are and I’m left with the silent but deafening question: is it me?

I mean, we all hear over and over that if you are at the center of failed relationships, you are the common denominator. So is that it? It’s not them, it’s you?

It depends. Sometimes I think it’s both. You can be the common denominator and still not be responsible for the implosion or ending of a friendship.

Sometimes only with time can you see things and people for what they are: egotistical, self-centered, controlling, emotionally draining. And sometimes, sadly, we can attract those types.

Sometimes it’s just plain incompatibility. That’s what I’m learning most of all. When you reach a certain stage—you know, big and grown—there are things you’re not willing to tolerate. Especially if you walked away from blood who did the same. And when you see those traits and patterns surface up in people that wield “sisterhood” and “community” as weapons, it becomes easier to walk away from those people.

Or, you know, the ones who hang on to extract with no intent of reciprocating or deepening the bonds.

It’s not the number of people you walk away from that should worry or terrify you. It’s the people you allow to stick around that are chipping away at the very essence of who you are. The ones that condescend as a means of making themselves superior. The ones that promise safety and familial bonds yet will cut them loose at the drop of a hat—all the while expecting you to chase and apologize for their behavior.

So if you find yourself wondering if you should be concerned at the quantity of abandoned relationships, consider the level of peace you achieved by walking away. If no peace can be found, ya might need to look in the mirror, friend. If each choice to cut ties left you better, relieved and peaceful, keep it pushing.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the quality-over-quantity creature you are.