The Invisible Black Woman

The third session of the day began much as the others had, with Nathan guiding us back into focus after a short break. The earlier discussions on triggers and radical acceptance were still fresh in my mind, and I found myself thinking about the pineapple pizza debate that started it all. The metaphor was deceptively simple but had unraveled into layers of insight.

Nathan sat at the front of the room, leaning back casually on his chair. “Alright, let’s bring it back,” he said, his tone steady and inviting. “We’ve spent a lot of time today exploring what triggers us, why they hit us so hard, and how we can manage our reactions. For this session, let’s pivot a bit. I want to talk about how we process those triggers in the moment—when walking away isn’t an option.”

The room quieted as Nathan continued. “Sometimes, life doesn’t give us the chance to hit pause or step away. Maybe you’re in a meeting, or with family, or stuck in traffic. What do you do then? How do you manage when the trigger is staring you in the face?”

Alan spoke first. “I guess you try not to blow up. But that’s easier said than done.”

Nathan nodded. “It is. And that’s where tools like grounding and mindfulness come in. Who here remembers the 5-4-3-2-1 technique from earlier?”

A few of us nodded. Someone raised their hand. “Yeah, I liked that one. It’s simple but effective.”

“Exactly,” Nathan said. “Grounding is one way to anchor yourself in the present. But I want to expand on that. Sometimes, it’s not just about calming down—it’s about reframing the situation in real-time. Let’s talk about perspective shifts.”

Nathan grabbed a marker and started writing on the whiteboard:

Event → Thought → Emotion → Response

“This,” he said, pointing to the diagram, “is the cycle we all go through, often without realizing it. Something happens—that’s the event. We interpret it—that’s the thought. That interpretation leads to an emotion, which then drives our response.”

He turned back to us. “The key is here,” he said, tapping on ‘Thought.’ You can’t always control the event, but you can control how you think about it. And that changes everything downstream.”

Aja chimed in. “Like when we talked about language earlier? How saying ‘I survived a tough day’ feels different than ‘I had a crappy day’?”

“Exactly,” Nathan said. “Reframing isn’t about lying to yourself or sugarcoating things. It’s about finding a perspective that helps you move forward instead of getting stuck.”

He paused, letting the concept sink in. Then he added, “Let’s try an exercise. Think about a time recently when you felt triggered. What was the event, and how did you interpret it?”

We sat in silence for a moment, each of us turning inward. Finally, Sam spoke up.

“Okay,” she said. “So, the other day, my boss emailed me about a mistake I made. The email wasn’t mean or anything, but I felt attacked, like they were calling me incompetent.”

Nathan nodded. “That’s your thought. And how did that thought make you feel?”

“Defensive,” Sam said. “And angry. Like, I wanted to fire back and explain myself.”

“And what did you do?”

“I started drafting a reply, but then I stopped myself. I didn’t send it, but I stayed upset the whole day.”

Nathan nodded. “Thank you for sharing that. Now, let’s try reframing it. What if, instead of seeing the email as an attack, you saw it as neutral? Like, ‘Here’s some feedback on how to improve’?”

Sam hesitated. “I mean, I guess I could see it that way. But it’s hard not to take it personally.”

“It is,” Nathan agreed. “But that’s where practice comes in. Reframing is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets.”

Nathan turned back to the whiteboard, erasing the diagram and writing a new phrase: Radical Acceptance in Real-Time.

“Let’s tie this back to radical acceptance,” he said. “In the moment, when you’re feeling triggered, you can ask yourself two questions: one, what am I reacting to? Two, what can I control?”

He paused. “For example, in Sam’s case, the trigger was the email. But she can’t control the fact that the email was sent. What she can control is how she interprets it and how she responds. Does that make sense?”

We nodded, though the concept felt daunting.

Nathan added, “This isn’t about perfection. You’re not going to get it right every time. But even trying to reframe in the moment can make a difference.”

As the session wound down, Nathan shifted gears. “Before we end, I want to leave you with something to think about tonight,” he said. “What’s one small way you can practice radical acceptance or reframing this week? It doesn’t have to be big—just something manageable.”

Aja spoke first. “I think I’ll try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique when I feel overwhelmed. It helps me refocus.”

Sam added, “I’ll work on not taking things so personally—like with emails and feedback.”

For me, the takeaway was clear: I needed to practice stepping back from my initial reactions. Whether it was pineapple pizza or a frustrating email, the goal was to respond with intention, not impulse.

Nathan smiled as we gathered our things. “You’re all doing great work,” he said. “Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient with yourselves. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As I walked out of the session, I felt a sense of calm determination. The day had been long, but it was also a reminder of how far I’d come—and how much further I could go.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the marvelous you are.