The Invisible Black Woman

There we were, the final session of the day in IOP, and let me tell you, it was giving tired. Two rounds of three down, and you could see by quickly scanning the room that most of us would have been happy to leave then. But Tom—our therapist—wasn’t letting us off the hook that easy. He kicked things off with a deceptively simple question:

“How do your experiences—like a diagnosis or other major life events—impact your communication skills?”

I definitely groaned silently. It was feeling more and more like work and less like therapy. Do I really have the energy for this?

Then someone spoke up.

“I got my evaluation results yesterday,” they said. “It’s weird, you know? You go in thinking, ‘I need answers,’ but once you get that label, people treat you differently. It’s like… the stigma shifts the way they communicate with you, which shifts the way you communicate back.”

They went on to share how their autism and borderline personality disorder diagnoses shaped their interactions. “Friendships? Hard. Relationships? Even harder. Sometimes I’ll stick around toxic people just so I don’t feel lonely. It’s not great, but it’s the truth.”

Someone else chimed in. “Yeah, for me, it’s about getting out of my comfort zone. I’ve always been the type to keep to myself, but now I’m learning to say how I feel, even when it’s messy.”

Tom jumped in. “It’s not just about learning to communicate better—it’s about seeing those struggles as opportunities for growth. When you’re honest about what you’re feeling, it can transform how people see you and how you see yourself.”

The conversation snowballed from there. Someone brought up emotional regulation and how it ties into communication:

“I used to think drinking made me more social, but it actually made everything worse. I’d hold things in until they exploded or say things I regretted. There was so much shame tied up in it. Now I’m trying to unlearn all that and actually communicate—sober.”

That hit hard. I thought in my head about all the different coping mechanisms I’d picked up just to get through the workday. The silence in the room was thick, not awkward but… hefty.

“Thank you for sharing,” someone finally said.

From there, Tom changed directions. “Let’s talk about assertive communication. What does that even mean?”

One person tentatively offered, “Uh… getting your needs met without hurting the other person?”

“Close,” Tom said. “Assertive communication isn’t about steamrolling people—or letting them steamroll you. It’s about a win-win. You state your needs clearly while considering theirs.”

He gave an example, the kind of scenario that made a few folks realize they’ve been doing things a bit incorrectly:

Tom offered this scenario: “Let’s say your friend wants to borrow your car, but you need it tomorrow. Passive would be handing over the keys even though you’ll be stranded. Aggressive would be snapping, ‘No, you’re not getting my car.’ Assertive? ‘I can’t lend you my car, but where do you need to go? Maybe I can give you a ride.’ See? You hold your boundary but still try to meet their need.”

Someone laughed. “Well, I’ve been doing aggressive.”

Tom grinned. “Most people do, until they learn better.”

Next, we tackled I statements—the good ole, “I feel x when y…”

“I statements focus on your feelings,” Tom explained. “Instead of, ‘You never listen to me,’ you say, ‘I feel unheard when we talk.’ It keeps the other person from getting defensive.”

One member chimed in, “I’ve tried that with my kids. I used to yell, but now I say, ‘I can’t handle this right now,’ and they actually ask how they can help. It’s… weird, but it works.”

By this point, the room was warming up, which is probably why Tom thought it was a good time to throw in a video by Julia Dhar about constructive conversations.

In the clip, Dhar talked about “curiosity conversations,” a technique that turns disagreements into opportunities to understand each other.

“She said all you need is one sentence and one question,” someone recapped after we watched. “‘I never thought about it that way before. Can you help me see what you see?’”

Another added, “I liked how she framed disagreements as chances to grow. Like, your ideas get stronger when they’re challenged.”

Tom nodded, his voice softening. “Curiosity, purpose, connection—it’s all there. When you approach communication with curiosity, you’re not just opening the door for understanding. You’re building a relationship.”

To be clear, everyone weighed in at Tom’s behest. He has this “knack” for going around the room until all of us weigh in on whatever it is we’ve just watched or talked about. Sometimes it could feel like a bit much…

Once I made my obligatory statement to his satisfaction, I mentally drifted off. I checked back in just in time for Tom to leave us with this: “Communication is messy. It’s imperfect. But it’s also one of the most powerful tools we have for connecting—not just with others, but with ourselves.”

Snaps, Tom. Snaps.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the gorgeous you are.