The Invisible Black Woman

The new year is supposed to bring fresh starts, right? Clean slates and all that jazz. But as I settled into the first Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) session of the year, I found myself carrying the same questions, concerns, and quiet heaviness that last year left behind. A new calendar doesn’t erase old wounds, and January 1st doesn’t magically make the work any easier.

If anything, the start of the year feels like an invitation to reassess what’s working and what isn’t. And let me tell you, I’ve been doing some serious reassessing. This week’s IOP session wasn’t just about showing up—it was about grounding myself in the decisions I’ve made and the path ahead. No more half-measures. No more pretending that things will “get better” without deliberate, intentional action.

Today’s session was part processing, part reality check. While everyone else in the group had their own reflections and revelations, I kept circling back to the concept of endurance versus thriving. It’s not enough to simply exist. This year is about refusing to stay in spaces that drain me—whether they’re professional, personal, or internal.

Now that the first session of the year is in the books, I have thoughts—and plenty to debrief. Let’s get into it.

All right. All right. So, this is, believe it or not, week four. Week four. I can’t believe it’s been four weeks. Well, it’s been three weeks. This is going on week four. By the end of the week, it’ll be week four, but still. Wow. I’m pretty taken aback by it in the sense that time went by really fast, I feel like—which is not a bad thing. Depends on how you look at it. On one hand, time’s going by fast, even though there was some stuff in there that I was just like, oof, this is taking too long. On the other hand, however, there’s the whole “after you’re done, you gotta go back to work.” So, there’s that.

And, spoiler alert, I’m not going back. So, yeah, I have made that decision. It’s a little scary. It’s a little nerve-wracking, but I’m cool with the decision. I think some of y’all probably already knew this. Not that it wasn’t news—not that it was news to me. That’s where I was leaning, but I just kind of made the decision really over the weekend. I was just like, “okay, piss or get off the pot,” and here I am.

So, the decision is, I’m not going back. My job does not know that yet. They will know that soon. Part of that includes trying to negotiate a severance because I’m not sure how long it’s gonna take for me to transition to another job. I have been actively looking, but so have millions of other people. And although they’re not all in my field, I am competing against hundreds, if not thousands, of applicants.

Your girl is good, but at the same time, they’re probably gonna go with a cheaper option. That’s just real. At this stage in my life, I realize that while I do very much want to remain in the field I’m in, I’m not trying to make that my full-time job, if you get my drift. So, I am very much looking for a part-time opportunity that will bring in the income that we need to replace my main job.

That’s the goal right now. The other side goal—which I can say ‘cause I’m not getting into details—is negotiating a severance. I don’t know what that severance is going to look like, but I am looking into that. Prayerfully, that will be sufficient enough, and I’m hoping it’s enough that I don’t have to start my job hunt right away. That’s really my hope.

My hope is to take a beat and really just focus on my writing, focus on the business, and not have to worry about hustling in the sense of chasing another paycheck. Just hustling all about the business. That’s really what I want to do right now. I’m hoping and praying that it could go the way that I’m hoping for.

So yeah, looking to negotiate a severance—not gonna do it myself. Learned my lesson the hard way on a certain situation that happened recently that kind of kicked all this stuff off. I will have a third party negotiate that, and we’ll see where it goes. I’ll keep y’all posted on yay or nay. I’m not gonna get into the details because, again, the title of my blog is The Invisible Black Woman, right? So, if I get into too many details, y’all might start to figure some stuff out.

Bottom line is, I’m working on negotiating a settlement and breaking the news to them that I will not be returning. Your girl is not just tired, but physically, I just cannot. I cannot do the things I was doing before—what was being asked of me to do the work of seven to ten people on any given day. And that is not an exaggeration. I’m just not gonna do it anymore. Just not interested.

Until all of that is finalized, I will be keeping that under wraps. I have not officially—nor do I intend to officially—submit my resignation. I am currently on long-term disability. My long-term disability extension kicked in and will go through January 19th.

Now, you might be wondering, “Why do you need a severance if you have long-term disability?” Great question. If you’ve never had long-term disability before, it’s not 100% of your paycheck. Long-term disability is only a portion of your paycheck. The rest is made up in sick leave or whatever else makes up the difference—assuming that your employer is open to keeping you on long-term disability. Because generally speaking, long-term disability kicks in after FMLA is discontinued.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at. Group today? It was okay. Not bad, not great—just okay. Same therapist as last week, so lucky us. Or lucky me? Maybe I’m the only one who feels like he’s just… a different kind of speed. If you’re cool with it, great. If not, well, that’s a problem.

He’s very much into class participation where everybody has to participate, and while you could say that’s the whole point of group, it still feels a little much. Case in point: I timed my break for 10 minutes before session was over so I wouldn’t waste time after group. Really, though, it’s because most everyone heads out right as session ends, and the parking lot isn’t exactly next door. It’s a little ways into a garage, and it’s not well-lit. So, safety in numbers, you know?

Anyway, I timed it perfectly, came back at 7:29, sat down, and he’s like, “So, what did you get out of group today?” Sir, there’s one minute left. That’s what we’re doing?

I don’t know. I feel like he spends too much time seeking validation: “Does that make sense? What do you think? Any thoughts?” It’s constant. Maybe it’s part of his training, but compared to the other therapists, it stands out—and not in a good way.

That said, I did get a few tools added to my toolkit, so there’s that. I was also asked if I wanted this to be my last week, and I said no. Mainly because, strategically, I’m not ready to be cleared for work. I still need time to get my ducks in a row. I’ve got 15 sessions, and I’m going to use all 15 sessions.

I’m feeling good about my decision not to return to my job. It’s not healthy for me—physically or emotionally. It’s unsafe. And I’m not interested in unsafe. I would rather do temp assignments than go back there.

That’s where I’m at. Here’s to healthier decisions in 2024 and to a better, more aligned version of myself.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the worthy you are.