The Invisible Black Woman

Today’s session brought a few unexpected moments. I’ll admit, I almost skipped recording this debrief, but there’s something about reflecting that always seems to bring things into focus. We explored different perspectives in a way that really pulled me in, even if I didn’t expect it to. We tapped into some familiar territory and a few surprising insights. It was a lot to take in, and I’m glad I kept my commitment to sit down and process it all here.

This one left me with a lot to think about, especially as I notice where my focus has shifted. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that offer the most clarity, and today was a reminder of that. I didn’t plan for this to feel as significant as it does now, but I’m glad I showed up for it.

I almost forgot to do this—honestly, part of me wanted to skip it. But I committed to doing this after group, and it really does help. So, here I am. Group was pretty good today, even though I got a lot on my mind all at once.

We had a therapist come in for music therapy, which was nice. We could choose what we wanted to do—color, draw, or journal. I’ll let you guess which one I picked. That’s right; your girl wrote. I had my iPad and Apple Pencil and was in my happy place. We did that for around 30 minutes, and it went really well.

Today was also my one-on-one, which I was a little apprehensive about because the last time, I ended up crying. She didn’t make me cry this time, but I was in a rough headspace, anxious about work and everything feeling so up and down. Even though I’d gotten some good news on the consulting front, I still didn’t know what was happening with my main job. And, in case anyone missed it, inflation is real.

One job isn’t enough these days, so I’ve been weighing what might happen if I leave my main job. What does that mean for our future? Where we’re living? All of those questions. So, even when I should’ve been celebrating, I was already thinking months ahead, stressing over the uncertainty. And yes, I get the irony—anxiety and worry are supposed to be things you leave at the altar, but humanity doesn’t exactly make that easy.

The last time I showed up for my one-on-one, I was determined just to be in my feelings and not even try to “process” anything. But today, I went in with a different kind of energy, intentional about shifting my mindset. Yesterday, I learned it’d be gloomy and rainy all week. I don’t mind the occasional storm, but days and days of gray skies? Not my jam. I call it “The Gloomies”—I’m trying to make that a thing, but maybe I’m not the first person who came up with that. So, knowing this gray weather would affect my mood, I decided to plan around it.

I figured I’d spend the day writing—or, really, working on my business. So, I got up early, did my morning ritual, and dove into laying out a new book project. Actually, two books, each part of a series. These are titles I’d been tinkering with but hadn’t fully committed to yet. And for this particular project, getting the design right felt like the missing piece. Once I figured out the layout, everything clicked for both titles. I spent the whole day in my groove, laying out the books, tweaking images, and finally feeling like it was coming together.

And it wasn’t lost on me that, as I settled into my work, the sun started breaking through the clouds. The weather felt like a metaphor for the shift I was feeling—like things were moving in the right direction. By the time I looked up, it was already time to head out for my session. I walked in feeling energized and positive, in my happy place mentally after spending the day doing what I love. It was a reminder that this might be my zone of genius after all.

As for therapy, it felt good to realize I was actually using the tools they’d given us. I wouldn’t say I find all of them useful, but having them and knowing I can pull them out when I need to? That’s powerful. They’ve taught us to plan ahead for things that could impact our mental health, which made it easier to navigate the gray mood this week. It’s like taking an Advil when you know a migraine’s coming on—just being proactive.

All of this made my one-on-one go a lot smoother. I felt accomplished and in control. And as it turns out, they’re already talking to me about possibly discharging sooner rather than later. I’m not opposed to it, but I’m also giving myself the space to decide. Either way, my insurance only covers five weeks, so I’m prepared to wrap up by then. But for now, I’m just happy to feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

And on a side note, group has been…interesting. There’s someone in there—a real energy-drainer, and it’s been a lot to handle. I’ve been trying to stay open-minded, respectful, but today I got a clearer picture of what she’s been through. I know we’re not supposed to compare traumas, but…well, I’ll just leave it there.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the phenomenal you are.