The Invisible Black Woman

 I have to say that I always get a bit of a kick when I listen back to some of these recordings. It’s like first there’s what was printed and then there’s what shouldn’t have made it off the cutting room floor. LOL. Okay, but seriously, my goal is to be transparent into all I’m feeling in the moment and especially while it’s still fresh in my mind. If you’re experiencing a similar roller coaster of emotions as you embark in group therapy, trust me, you are not alone…

Today was a lot. The session was a lot harder—whatever you want to call it. First of all, I didn’t want to go, but I went. Secondly, on my way there, of course, Murphy’s Law came into play because my stomach wasn’t feeling super great—I was just feeling off. But I powered through. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it, to be honest.

Plus, it was raining and as I mentioned before, rain really affects my mood. I’m trying to find ways to not let it get to me, but I am definitely a sun child. Bright sunlight, blue skies—that’s my vibe. Even if it’s -10 degrees, if it’s bright and sunny, I love it. Maybe I was a sunflower in a past life. So yeah, today was another rain day, just Murphy at it again, and it’s supposed to keep raining the whole week. All this rain—well, to a point, it’s needed, but I’m over it.

So, doing the best I can with what I’ve got, trying to find ways to keep the gloomy, cloudy skies from seeping in. Still a work in progress.

Anywho, group was weird today. I got there a little early, because I’m not trying to lose my spot. So anyway, I get there, and 4:30 comes, but no one from the team is around. By 4:39, the group was there, but no lead person. I thought today was supposed to be some kind of music therapy, or something, but nobody was there to lead it. We have to fill out these forms every time we come in—a wellness check type of thing—so I filled out my form and then decided to be nosy. I went to the front desk, like, “Hey, anything going on we should know about?” and the guy’s like, “Yeah, we’re working on it.” Apparently, either someone forgot to schedule a therapist, or they just didn’t show.

So, bottom line, we didn’t have our first session, which is usually an alternative therapy session, like drama, music, art—those kinds of things. No one was there to lead it, so one of the other staff members stepped in, and we did art therapy, I guess. We had to draw while someone in the middle of the room looked at an image and gave us instructions. But here’s the kicker: we couldn’t see the image, and we couldn’t ask questions. So my first drawing? Special. Let’s just say it wasn’t even close.

The second round, though, we were allowed to ask questions, and guess what? Your girl nailed it once I knew what was going on. It was all about communication—verbal cues, nonverbal cues, all that. Very cool and helpful, I’ll give them that.

Then, we got the same therapist for the second round. He doesn’t sit at the usual spot therapists use: in the center at the front of the room. He likes to sit “among the people.”  Which, normally, wouldn’t be an issue except for two things. First, he sits in a spot where I have to turn my neck to see him, which wouldn’t be so bad if my neck was what it used to be. Second, personal space. COVID is still very real, and he sits way, way too close. So I figured I’d get a break for the next session. Nope—he was there for all three sessions. So by the third one, I just moved to a new seat.

Generally speaking, he was okay. I get that therapists sometimes use broad strokes in their approach, but his style isn’t my style. I’m just being honest. Maybe it’s cultural, maybe it’s just a preference, but there’s a disconnect for me.

Despite everything, I did get a lot out of it. There was some perspective, and I was open to learning. Today, I actually spoke up. I’ll say it—small groups are my jam. It was only four of us today, which made me feel more comfortable. For me, smaller groups mean a better experience.

One thing I’ve learned is that when you hear other people share, it humbles you. It makes your own problems seem a little smaller, not in a minimizing way but in a grateful way. Listening today reminded me that, yes, I’ve gone through things, but there are people going through much heavier stuff. And it made me realize that maybe I’ll be okay, that I can get through this. It’s not about comparing trauma; it’s about gaining perspective.

A lot of what I’m dealing with is situational—job-related, to be exact. It’s the kind of problem that could potentially go away if I removed myself from the situation. Not everyone has that option, and I recognize how fortunate I am in that sense.

Going to these groups gives you perspective. It’s sobering, in a way. For me, it was grounding. But there’s also the flip side, and I saw this today, too. Don’t be that person who downplays someone else’s trauma. Someone in the group said, “I’m not like the average person,” in reference to their trauma, as if they’d been through more than the rest of us. It’s one thing to say that outside of therapy, but in a group setting, it’s not okay. You never know what the person next to you is dealing with.

So, group therapy etiquette 101—don’t try to minimize what others are going through. Today was grounding for me in that sense. Listening to others gave me perspective, but it also reminded me not to diminish my own struggles. I have my pain, and I acknowledge that it’s valid. But I’m also grateful for the good things I have, and for how far I’ve come.

Not sure what day it is exactly, but rounding out week three tomorrow. I think I have 15 sessions in total, and tomorrow makes nine. So we’ll see how it goes.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Catch you on the flip side.

 Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the beautiful you are.