The Invisible Black Woman

There’s a way boundaries shape the narratives we tell ourselves, how we hold space for others, and, at work, how we define our worth. In our next session, Aaron led us into a deep exploration of these boundaries. The stories we shared unfolded layers of personal struggles, resilience, and the unseen weight many of us carry.

It started with a simple question: “What is your concept of boundaries?”

Yes, we talked about boundaries in group. A lot. I suppose they knew a thing or two about how interlinked our sense of boundaries—or our lack of them—bled into our mental health. Also, Aaron led the second session as well as the first. Since it was technically still close to the holidays, a lot of the other therapists were away on holiday leave.

“Boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay,” Aaron reminded us, emphasizing their simplicity yet critical importance.

It was a straightforward idea but, in practice, deeply layered and often difficult to apply. We spoke of physical, emotional, and intellectual boundaries, each as crucial as the next. One person shared how their personal boundaries shifted dramatically when they became a parent. Life’s demands and family responsibilities had redefined their threshold, constantly adapting to new needs. They talked about the quiet strain, the weight of trying to hold everything together. Another person discussed the challenges of living with a partner who didn’t understand their anxiety, underscoring how mental health can bring its own boundary struggles.

Listening to these stories, I felt a quiet kinship. Their experiences were different from mine, but the emotional tug was similar. Boundaries meant protecting what mattered most, often against what felt like insurmountable pressures. I sat there, listening and relating, thinking of my own challenges at work. Boundaries at work have always felt tricky. You’re expected to “dig deep,” give a little extra—sometimes a lot extra—as though boundaries were a suggestion rather than a necessity. Setting boundaries at work often leads to accusations of being “difficult” or “uncooperative,” especially as a Black woman in corporate America. The pushback can be subtle—a raised eyebrow or a pointed question—but the message is clear: boundaries are fine, as long as they don’t inconvenience others.

Fun fact: the new buzzword used in place of “unprofessional” and “difficult” is “pushback.” As in, you push back quite a bit on x or y. It’s funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same. Different words, same meaning.

Anywho, Aaron then had us engage in a revealing exercise to visualize our boundaries. Each of us stood at one end of the room while others approached, and we signaled when they reached our comfort zone. It sounded simple, but the exercise exposed just how unique each person’s boundaries were. Some held their hand up almost immediately (guess who!?), while others allowed people to come much closer before signaling.

“Boundaries are the limits or rules we set for ourselves within relationships,” Aaron explained. He went on to say that a “person with healthy boundaries can say no to others when they want to but is also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” This exercise revealed how boundaries varied widely even within the room.

In the workplace, boundaries aren’t always physical; they can be intellectual or emotional. A colleague might dismiss my input during a meeting or belittle an idea with a casual shrug. That’s a boundary violation, yet the expectation is often that I swallow it with a smile, preserving the harmony of the room. But at what cost? At times, I’ve been pulled into conversations that had nothing to do with me, asked to perform “emotional labor” on top of my actual workload, or subtly pressured to “lighten up” when I bring serious issues to the table. In these moments, Aaron’s words about boundaries and respect felt especially relevant.

Aaron explained that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about inviting them into a respectful space. But for many of us, creating boundaries doesn’t come naturally, especially when we’re taught to be accommodating, even at the expense of our well-being. Reflecting on this, Aaron added, “Boundaries are the place where you and I can be happy at the same time.”

It was a reminder that boundaries were as much about preserving harmony as they were about self-care. I realized that in my work life, I’ve often blurred the line, allowing my boundaries to be pushed in the name of productivity or “team spirit.” There were countless times when I’d sacrificed my mental and emotional well-being to meet an unspoken demand or to accommodate someone else’s comfort over my own. Setting boundaries wasn’t selfish; it was essential. Aaron’s words still echo in my mind: “Without personal boundaries, you’re like a door left open in a busy hallway, with everyone walking in and out, taking bits of you without asking.”

That right there is t-shirt worthy.

One of my colleagues once told me, “Workplace boundaries make people uncomfortable because it reminds them that they, too, should have boundaries.” And she was right. Boundaries are often seen as barriers to productivity, but I’ve come to see them as tools for sustainability. It’s not just about holding space for myself but creating a model for others who may be watching. For too long, I’ve operated under the guise that being available equates to being valuable. Now I’m starting to question that assumption.

 

Reflecting on this session, I see the ways in which boundaries have become necessary armor in the workplace. Boundaries can help me carve out a space that’s undeniably my own. In setting them, it means that in saying “no” to others while saying “yes” to myself. When we’re proactive in setting boundaries, it allows us to preserve our mental space and emotional energy for things that truly matter. In learning to hold firm to these boundaries, I’m finding ways to guard my peace without the guilt of “not being a team player.” Instead, I’m re-framing boundaries as a tool that helps me to work better, not harder, and to exist in professional spaces with my dignity intact.

Well, that is what I’m telling myself until the time comes for me to apply it in real life. Baby steps, remember?

As Aaron wrapped up the session, he left us with a reminder: “Boundaries are the lines that let us show up as our true selves without compromise.”

Yes indeed.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the wonderful you are.