The Invisible Black Woman

Per my custom, I did a debrief on my way home. Here’s what I came away with…

All right, so today—heading home now. Today was a pretty—I don’t know if eventful is the right term, but maybe eventful from the sense that I was pretty chatty, I guess, would be the right term. I think, honestly, it had a lot to do with the fact that group was a lot smaller today.

When I first went to group on day one, there were at least twelve people, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that. But over time, it dwindled from week to week. Not necessarily because people weren’t coming back. I assume, though I don’t know definitively, that it had more to do with people being discharged or graduating from group.

So, we started with at least twelve people, maybe more. Last week, we were down to maybe six or eight at most. Today, there were five of us total, so that was nice. I mean, y’all know how I feel about groups and strangers—it’s really just about my level of comfort when it comes to sharing around a lot of people, especially strangers. So today, with only five of us, including myself, I definitely felt more open to sharing.

It may or may not have something to do with the fact that the two people I consider—maybe this is me being judgy—“emotional vampires” weren’t there today. I’m guessing it’s because of the holiday, and they might have had pre-scheduled plans or whatever. So, they weren’t there, and honestly, the energy was different in a good way. It didn’t feel as heavy or suffocating as it often does when they’re both around since they take up a lot of the room’s energy. So, yeah, it was me and four others, and most of us were feeling pretty low-key or kind of “ho-hum.”

One thing about me: my mood is greatly affected by the weather. That might seem goofy or whatever, but if it’s cloudy and gloomy outside, it tends to affect how I feel. I’m big on sunshine and clear skies, which definitely boost my energy. But today was cloudy, gray, and gloomy, raining all day. I definitely felt cloudy and gloomy myself, so I was kind of “ho-hummish” going into group. I mean, I got a good bit of stuff done and was still pushing through whatever I was feeling, but I wasn’t exactly excited to be back at group, especially the day after Christmas. Like, for real? That’s what we’re doing?

It felt like a lot to ask people to go to group the day after Christmas, but I also get it because the holidays can be very tough—especially if you’re going through therapy. The holidays can be extremely tough. Still, I was hoping for at least a day off. Apparently not.

The first exercise we did was writing a letter to our younger selves, and this was music therapy. We were to write a letter to our younger selves and dedicate a song to them. The therapist said we didn’t have to go back decades; it could be a more recent version of ourselves. She also mentioned that if we wanted to share, we could, but if not, that was cool too. We could just share the song, but again, no pressure.

So, I wrote my letter to my younger self. Shockingly, it focused on, “Oh, I don’t know, get the hell out.” That was pretty much the crux of it—not the whole thing, but it was basically, “I know what 2022 is gonna look like, and you need to get the hell out in 2021.” The song I picked was “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor because it just spoke to me. Despite everything that’s been going on, I feel like at the end of the day, I’m going to get through this. I’m getting through it now, still surviving, still making it through.

For me, I don’t know who Gloria was talking about when she wrote or sang that song, but if we’re talking about bad exes or bad relationships, my job is 100% a bad relationship. It’s ironic because I’m still very much at my job. My guidance to my younger self was to get out by September 2021, but if not, I would be okay. I shared the song but didn’t share the letter because we’re not there yet.

Maybe it was a combination of the smaller group size and the absence of those two, but I felt more comfortable. It was a different energy, a different vibe.

So, that was session one. I brought my iPad today, which I hadn’t done for a while because I wasn’t sure if that was allowed—no cell phones and all. But I noticed from the first week that one guy was writing during the session, and I initially thought that was rude, like he was doodling. But I learned that group is for you, not the therapist. It’s about getting through it however you need to, not necessarily being fully engrossed all the time. They meet you where you are, and you put in as much as you can based on where you are that day.

One of the things they’ve repeated, which I super appreciate, is that boundaries are important and “no” is a full sentence. They also said to write out your feelings, to capture what you’re feeling in the moment. Y’all know writing is my thing, so that spoke to me. During the second week, I brought a notebook and started handwriting my thoughts, things I wanted to think about, and things I knew I wanted to blog about.

But I’m the type who loves writing digitally, so today, I finally brought my iPad with the Apple Pencil, which feels like a notebook. I even have a case that looks like one of those old-school black-and-white notebooks, the sturdy ones we all used to have back in the day. I decided to take it to group today and put it on airplane mode to avoid distractions. No one looked at me funny, so I just took notes and wrote down whatever came to mind.

The second part of the session was focused on setting intentions. The therapist gave us sticky notes and asked what we wanted to focus on for that session. A lot of people chose things like positivity and motivation, which was cool because it aligned with my thoughts. It was nice that we all seemed to be on the same page, vibing along the same lines.

All in all, it was a good session, and I got a lot out of it. But now I’m home, so that’s a wrap for today.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the you, you are.