The Invisible Black Woman

Stop tryna thrive in a place that’s allergic to your growth.

Now, I know you’ve heard this before or something similar. For some of you, it probably stung a little because you’ve been out here pushing yourself to thrive in spaces that aren’t just unsupportive—they’re actively stunting your growth. I see it all the time. I’ve been that person more times than I care to admit. Still am. But let’s not even act like this is some hypothetical situation. Let’s be real: you know exactly what I’m talking about. You out here trying to bloom, and meanwhile, the soil is trash, the sun is nowhere to be found, and the water is only suitable for Swamp Thing. And yet, you keep showing up, watering those roots with the sludge that passes for water, hoping today is the day that environment will change.

It won’t.

Let me paint a picture for you. You’ve spent years, maybe decades, cultivating skills, building relationships, and working your way up in a company, a field, or even a relationship, and you start to realize something is off. At first, you might ignore it. You’re thinking, This is just a phase. I can handle it. It’s not that bad. You tell yourself to keep your head down, grind it out, and eventually, it’ll get better. But here’s the truth: some places are just not meant for you to grow. And that’s not a reflection of your value; that’s a reflection of the environment.

I’m gonna go ahead and say it louder for the folks in the back:

some people and places are allergic to your growth.

You might be wondering what I mean by “allergic.” Well, think about it. Allergies happen when your body overreacts to something harmless. It’s like those folks who break out in hives because they came into contact with a little bit of pollen or can’t eat a certain food without blowing up like a balloon (I can testify to both of those). In the same way, there are people and places that can’t handle your shine, your ambition, your potential. They literally break out into hives the moment they see you thriving. And what is the manifestation of allergies? A reaction. And when someone is allergic to you, they’re going to react by looking for any and every opportunity to undermine you, to cut you down, or, worst of all, to gaslight you into thinking that you’re the problem.

Case in point, my latest hellhole I call work, I’ll tell y’all what happened when I started way back when. When I joined, I came in with a higher title than the person I was going to be working with. She was also assigned to train me. We gon go ahead and call her Karen. I know, super on the nose. Y’all, the first week I walk up to her, excited to learn, ready to dive into my new role. And what does she do? Old girl goes into the file cabinet, whips out a manual, and tosses it to the side of her desk where I’m standing.

She looks me dead in the eye and says, “You can read, can’t you?”

All I could muster because I was in full shock was, “I think so?”

She then turns back to her computer like nothing ever happened. I just grabbed the manual and walked back to my desk shaking my head.

Y’all, she didn’t even bother to pretend like she was going to do her job and train me properly. She was already pressed. And it didn’t take long for me to figure out why. See, some folks can’t handle you walking in with the kind of energy that says, “I know what I’m doing, and I belong here.” They can’t handle the fact that you’ve already proven yourself to be more qualified, more skilled, and more ready for that role than they ever were. And instead of stepping up, they resort to pettiness.

Fast forward about a year and a half later. I transferred out of the department (for a promotion), and guess who pulls me aside before I leave? Yep, you guessed it: Karen.

“Before you go, I have something I have to tell you.”

“Okay.”

“You know, I was really threatened by you. You came in, and you were so smart. I just—my brain just couldn’t compute and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

Girl, I been knew. *Proceeds to put on best shocked face—think kitten with hand over mouth.*

“Oh, wow! That’s really big of you to admit. Thanks!”

Now, let’s be clear: Karen’s reaction wasn’t about me. It was about her. Because that’s what happens when you find yourself in those kinds of environments. It’s not about you not being good enough or worthy enough. It’s about them being too small to handle all the brilliance you bring to the table.

And this isn’t just about workplaces. We’ve all had those relationships, those friendships, even those family dynamics where it feels like no matter how much you grow, no matter how much you evolve, someone is always trying to bring you back down. They can’t stand to see you thrive. They’ll hit you with those backhanded compliments, those little digs that leave you questioning yourself. They’ll act like they’re just trying to give you “constructive criticism,” but really, they’re just throwing shade because they can’t handle the fact that you’re shining a little too bright for their comfort.

Harsh fact: you can’t grow in environments that are designed to reject your potential. You can’t thrive in spaces that are set up to keep you small. You can’t water roots in soil that’s full of toxins and expect to bloom. It’s not gonna happen, no matter how hard you try.

And some of y’all out here trying your best. You’re putting in the extra hours, doing the emotional labor, showing up for people who wouldn’t even cross the street for you. And for what? To prove something to people who have already decided that they’re never going to give you the credit you deserve?

It’s time to stop. It’s time to recognize when the soil you’re planted in is toxic. Because you could be doing everything right, but if the work “soil” around you is determined to keep you down, you’ll never reach your full potential.

I’ve seen it happen too many times. I’ve lived it myself. You stay in a job, a relationship, a friendship, thinking that if you just keep pushing, if you just keep showing up, eventually things will change. But the truth is some people and places aren’t going to change. And that’s not your fault. That’s on them.

Now really think about that. Let it sink in. Marinate on it, if you will. You have to get this. You could be the most talented, the most dedicated, the most capable person in the room, and it still won’t matter if the room is set up to stifle your potential. You can’t change the room. But you can change where you choose to plant yourself. It’s like that anecdote you see everywhere now that talks about the price of water depending on where you are, right? It’s everywhere, I promise. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google it. Don’t change your worth or value, change your environment. Periodt.

But more to the point, and please don’t think this is lost on me: I know how it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to let go of places and people that you’ve invested so much of your time and energy into. But you need to know that you’re worth more than staying stuck in a place that can’t appreciate you, that can’t see your worth, that is actively trying to dim your light. Or a person, you know, you choose what applies.

So, let’s stop trying to thrive in places that can’t even tolerate us. Let’s stop watering dead soil. Let’s stop giving our time and energy to people and environments that aren’t capable of giving us anything in return. You deserve to be in spaces that celebrate your wins, that nurture your growth, that support your evolution.

It’s time to uproot yourself from those toxic environments and find fertile ground. Find the places where your growth is not just welcomed but celebrated. Find the people who aren’t intimidated by your potential but inspired by it. Find the spaces that feed your soul, that lift you up, that make you feel seen, heard, and valued.

And if you can’t find those spaces right now, that’s okay too. Sometimes the first step is recognizing that where you are just ain’t it. Sometimes the first step is just giving yourself permission to leave, to walk away, to say, “This is not where I’m meant to grow.”

Bottom line: your growth is non-negotiable—and if it is, that may be something you should explore. You absolutely deserve to be in places and with people that allow you to thrive, not just survive. And if the place or person you’re with, if you keep making ‘em sneeze (figuratively speaking) it’s time to find someone else or someplace else to plant yourself.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than spaces and people that want nothing but the absolute positive best for you.