The Invisible Black Woman

Sooo, today’s BlueNote…

If I’m being all the way real, the conversation about being “enough” hits different when you’re a Black woman. I say this on the heels of a day that ended with a very pointed reminder of what happened last week Monday. Anybody else tiyad of this corporate tightrope? No, just me? All right, cool, I’ll just speak for myself. This blasted tightrope I’m expected to walk is exhausting. On one hand, you’re “too much”—too loud, too opinionated, too assertive, too emotional. Or in my case, too direct, too honest, too much desire to hold people accountable (y’all, this is a true story that is unfolding as we speak). Or, on the other hand, you’re “too little”—too quiet, too passive, too accommodating, too… invisible. It’s like no matter what we do, we suffer from Goldilocks Syndrome and never the just-right kind.

Let’s call it what it is: there’s a whole other level of scrutiny we deal with, and it’s rooted in this societal expectation that we have to be twice as good to get half as much. We’re supposed to be superhuman, but also somehow “blend in” enough to not make waves. And what’s wild is that this dynamic plays out in every aspect of life—at work, at home, even in our friendships and relationships.

At work? You know how that goes. Speak up too much in a meeting and you’re “aggressive.” Stay quiet, and suddenly you’re not “assertive enough.” And don’t even get me started on how we’re expected to carry the emotional labor of everyone around us, smiling and nodding while pushing our own needs to the back burner. We’re supposed to be the ones who hold it together, who handle the difficult conversations, who smooth over the rough edges. And then when we need that same grace? Crickets. It’s the same dance, different room, and the music never seems to stop.

But don’t let you ever push back against that expectation. When you start to set boundaries or prioritize your own mental health, people don’t always know what to do with that. Suddenly, you’re “too much” for taking up space. You’re “too much” for asking for what you need. But let me tell you something: setting boundaries isn’t being “too much.” Asking for respect isn’t being “too much.” Refusing to settle for less than you deserve isn’t being “too much.” It’s being enough.

And the gag is? We’ve been enough all along.

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I’m “intimidating,” simply for existing. Or, because my face is really expressive. *sigh* Not for doing anything wild, not for being unreasonable, but just for showing up as my full self. And let’s not pretend that those words don’t carry extra weight when you’re a Black woman. They’re code for “You’re not behaving the way I think you should, so now I’m uncomfortable.” And that discomfort isn’t about me, but the world has made us believe that it is. We’re too direct, too bold, too passionate, too sassy (ever heard that one?). But what we’re really being told is that we’re too much for a world that wasn’t built to accommodate us in our fullness.

And that’s where the real internal battle comes in, isn’t it? Because while we’re out here navigating these external pressures, there’s also the internal voice that starts to wonder, “Am I really too much? Should I be doing less?” We start to question our own instincts, our own voice, our own truth, because society keeps telling us we need to tone it down. But, can I tell you something, friend? Your “too much” is exactly what this world needs. Don’t ever shrink to make someone else feel comfortable. The people who are meant to be in your life will never ask you to dim your light to make room for theirs. Notice I said absolutely nothing about work. I’m starting to think that workplaces that welcome us “as we are” are NOT a dime a dozen. Don’t at me. I’ve seen enough of this corporate world and I won’t be moved on this. In this current job market, my paycheck trumps how bright my light shines at work. I’m content letting my job fund my passion until my passion becomes my job and build my own damn table. Imma choose to be Wonder Woman selectively and elsewhere. Work can miss me on all this greatness that is me and all the badassery I have to bring. Periodt.

All right, let me get off that soapbox for now.

Speaking of light, let’s talk about being “too little.” Because the flip side of all this is that sometimes we feel like we’re not enough. Not accomplished enough, not successful enough, not worthy enough. And trust, society plays a role in feeding us these messages, too. We’re bombarded with images and stories of what success should look like, and if we’re not hitting those marks—those markers of perfection—we start to believe we’re falling short. But I’m here to tell you that your journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be valid or sufficient (AKA, enough).

You are enough, right where you are. And I know, I know—it’s hard to believe that sometimes. We live in a world that’s constantly telling us to do more, be more, strive for more. But what if we could just be? What if we could rest in the knowledge that we are enough, without needing anyone else’s validation? That’s the kind of peace I’m trying to cultivate, because this constant state of proving and striving? It’s draining. And honestly? I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to justify my existence. I’m tired of feeling like I need to be “on” all the time, like I have to perform for people who don’t even really see me. Because here’s the truth: the people who love you, who really see you for who you are, your community, your tribe? They will never ask you to be more or less than you already are—unless they’re pushing you to stop putting off sharing your gift. I’m just sayin’. Your people will never ask you to perform or pretend. They’ll never make you feel like you’re too much or too little. Because they know what I’m telling you now:

You. Are. ENOUGH.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with a choice. A choice to stop bending to the will of a world that’s never going to be satisfied with our “too much” or our “too little.” A choice to start defining our worth on our own terms. A choice to start showing up as our full selves, unapologetically.

And that’s not easy. Trust me, I know. It’s a daily practice. It’s reminding yourself, over and over again, that you don’t have to be more than you are. And it’s even more challenging when you’re flipping the dimmer a few notches at work while turning it on full blast when you’re not at work. But you don’t have to prove your worth. You don’t have to perform. You are enough. Full stop.

And the next time someone tries to make you feel like you’re not? The next time someone tries to tell you you’re “too much” or “too little”? I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself of this truth: I am enough.

Because you are. Always have been. Always will be.

So, as we move through this week, let’s you and I agree to be kinder to ourselves. To stop internalizing the world’s mixed messages about who we should be and how we should act. Let’s make a pact to start believing that we are enough, just as we are. Not too much, not too little. Just enough.

And if anyone tells you otherwise? Well, that’s on them—not you.

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less fictitious than the truly magnificent sufficient and beautiful creature that you are.