The Invisible Black Woman

“What happens if you had to go back?”

“I don’t know. I’m scared the same symptoms will come back and be worse this time.”

“When you go to work, what happens?”

“Everyone wants something all the time. I’m the nexus for so many departments and people. It’s exhausting. I’m even getting texts from vendors while I’m on medical leave.”

“Did you tell them you’re on leave?” she asked.

“Yes, but they still text. I haven’t been responding lately because I don’t want to engage.”

“Keep telling them and forward their information to your supervisor. Let them know you’re still receiving calls. It puts the responsibility back on them.”

“I feel like I’ve dug myself into a deep hole. The work isn’t being done, and I’ll come back to an even bigger pile.”

“You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and let them know you’re human. Inform the entire company that you don’t know when you’ll return and to direct their messages elsewhere.”

“And I think that’s why I feel vulnerability doesn’t help me. When I reached out to HR, their response was cold and unempathetic. They only care about output, not me as a person.”

“Does it hurt more because you’ve equated your self-worth with your job performance?”

“Maybe. I thought being on medical leave would elicit some empathy, but there’s none. They treat other people with respect, depending on how high they jump when asked. And it also has to do with skin color. People who say egregious things shoot straight to the top, but someone like me is called unprofessional.”

“You need to get past the fear of not knowing where you’re headed. Even if you don’t have something lined up, walking away might be best for your health.”

“I always have a plan. But this time, I can’t fix it. I have to be okay with that.”

“It doesn’t mean you’re not planning. It’s a lot, but you have to keep going.”

“I wish I had been more proactive when I first took leave. I should have done more.”

“Don’t be afraid to disclose information. What do you think they’ll do if they find out how depressed you are?”

“I’m scared if they know I don’t want to come back, they’ll get rid of me before I’m ready.”

“But you don’t want to go back.”

“I’m not ready for them to know that. I work at a very screwed-up company. I feel like I’ve gone too far to go back in a way. Because of all the time that has passed. And not because I wouldn’t be wanted back. It’s just that what’s waiting for me is not good.”

“No, that doesn’t have to be the case. Here’s the thing. You make your decision. You make the decision on what’s best for you. Don’t just think, ‘oh, the only reason why they want you.’ And maybe that’s the concern because I’m seeing this common phrase come up a lot for you.

The reason why they want you is because nobody else can do it. But at the same time, you almost enjoy that ‘cause you’re afraid that if you don’t do it, you won’t be wanted or needed.”

That part hit hard. On some level, she wasn’t at all wrong—like, not a bit. I’d gotten beat down so much I’d almost come to expect and even depend on the mistreatment. I’d worked myself into an abusive, codependent relationship and I couldn’t quite see my way out. But I wasn’t quite ready to face that head on.

“I mean, to some extent, but what they’ve essentially been doing, since I’ve been gone—because I do have people that I’m friends with there who check in on me and they’re literally just waiting for me to come back to do it.

So all of the key stuff I was working on, it’s not being done. And I’m gonna come back to that because they decided, ‘oh, well, she’ll do it when she’s back.’ Every time a new date is set for me to return, the story is, ‘oh, she’ll be back on such and such a date.’ So it’s this idea of, ‘we don’t have to worry about it.’ And hearing that makes me wonder, how does that help me come back to a safe place if you’re not even chipping away at the pile that I was buried in?”

“This is why you have to tell them. You have to be vulnerable and care for yourself in this respect. This is where it carries over.”

It was hard to imagine or even believe vulnerability would get me anywhere. Maybe my therapist’s version of vulnerability was what I would equate to setting boundaries or creating a safe space for me to return to. But how was that even relevant where the place I would be returning to was not even someplace I wanted to be? What would even be the point?

“I reached out to HR about my leave being over soon. I didn’t give details. I just told them I was undergoing treatment and it’s not going to be done for another four to six weeks. And the response I got back, there was no human element in the response. It was very cold. The HR person said, ‘well, you haven’t gotten in touch with long-term disability,’ which isn’t true because I’ve been working with the insurance company directly, not with the department. I’m not required to work with the department because I’m working with the insurance and her response was, ‘they’ve tried to contact you twice’ and I’m thinking, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Because all I’ve been thinking about is work and making sure that I am, I still have a job at least, or at least some type of income.

There was just no care behind their response. There was no concern. Usually when people go on leave, especially if they’re on extended leave, they’ll send a care package or something like a card. I’ve heard nothing from my job and it bothers me. They didn’t even think enough of me to even do something like that. All they care about is the output. They don’t care about me as a person. I’m not saying I don’t see that. I see it.”

“Does this hurt more because you’ve also equated your self-efficacy to your job, your ability to perform your job, and you are still looking for that? Don’t get me wrong, everybody looks for validation through their work, but knowing this—it seems like you’ve known this for some time.”

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t. My job had become a delicate tightrope of sorts. Everything was precariously balanced to the millimeter. Sure, I was appreciated for my capabilities and skillset, but I had tricked myself into thinking that as long as I was getting the rewards through raises and promotions, it made the abuse tolerable. The danger of having to do that meant that a single misstep or external force could throw everything completely out of whack.

And that’s exactly what happened the day that set all these things in motion. One single incident was all it took for all the misguided beliefs and biases about me as a Black woman to come crashing down as consequences around me. It didn’t matter how decorated a career I had up to that point. It was irrelevant that it was not only not in my nature or that it was a blip against a tsunami of responsibilities and demands. All that mattered is that it confirmed the deep-seated biases and stereotypical beliefs. It gave them the freedom to continue believing what they believed guilt-free.

Replaying the tape in my head in those silent seconds with my therapist made me truly wonder what it would take to make it possible for me to go back, after everything that happened.

Try as I might, I couldn’t see a scenario where that was remotely possible.