The Invisible Black Woman

We didn’t have to wait too long before we heard a knock at the door.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Ko, nice to meet you both,” he said as he shook our hands.

Well, things were already moving in the right direction in that he made eye contact and shook our hands. One of these days I’ll tell you the story of the doctor visits that went the total opposite of that.

“So I see that you’ve been having some progressively worsening pain in your left knee.”

“Yep, it’s been getting worse.”

“Okay, so is the pain on the inside or outside of your knee?”

“It’s just kind of all over.”

“Okay, let me take a look.”

Oh, good, we get to play the “press down until she winces” game again. Love that one!

And just when I thought the worse was behind me with Heidi, he decides to press down on the inside of my knee. Let’s just say he’s lucky my knee was not at 100% because it would have likely kicked him square in his shin.

“Yeah, it’s what I suspected. So let’s take a look at your x-ray together. But before we do that, I want to ask: has anyone told you you have arthritis in both knees?”

“Yep, my last surgeon did.”

“Okay, good. I mean, not good, but I didn’t want it to be a surprise if this is the first you’re hearing of it.”

That made me chuckle, not because of his statement, but because I very literally remember getting a diagnosis from a doctor so flippantly without any explanation or forethought, I just sat there frozen in disbelief. But yeah, I promise we’ll get into that another day.

He wheels over the screen so we can both look at it.

“You see this space here you have on the outside here?” He was pointing at a large gap between my thigh bone and shin bone.

I knew it! My knee done slid off.

“Yep, I see it.”

“That’s actually cartilage there.”

Huh. Okay, not where I thought this was going, but ok.

“You see this part here on the inside of your knee where there’s no space?” Now he was pointing to the other side where I saw no such space to speak of—not a hair nor a sliver.

“Uh huh.”

“Your cartilage is degraded completely here, on your right and left knee.”

Jesus be a brace, times two.

When I looked at the film with this new explanation, I saw how on my right and left side, the inside bones were just sitting on top of each other with no damn cartilage to speak of. And if you have never experienced what bone on bone feels like, there’s nothing pleasant about it.

“So you have progressively worsening arthritis and as you know, there is no cure for this. Eventually, you will need knee replacements, but you are much too young.”

Go on about my youth, sir, give me something to hang onto.

“Instead, we want to prolong surgery as long as we can. Right now it’s about strengthening the muscle around your knees. Have you tried physical therapy before?”

“Yes, before I had my knee surgery. I also had injections and it made the pain worse.”

“Okay, so no injections. Something to keep in mind is that the knee joint carries the biggest burden of any joint in your body.”

He wasn’t wrong. When I left and did some more digging, I learned that for every single pound of weight you carry, your knees carry the equivalent of 4 pounds. That means 5 pounds on your body translates to 20 pounds on your knees. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. It’s an incredible amount of weight and really explained a ton for me.

“Yeah. I know weight is a problem. I am seeing a nutritionist and am working on being more proactive about losing weight.”

“That’s great. You are taking the right steps. In the meantime, let’s see if we can’t get you some relief on your joints. Have you heard of unloader braces?”

The look on my face definitely said, “unload what now?”

He picked up what I was putting down and continued.

“Unloader braces are designed to relieve pain in individuals who suffer from arthritis in the knee joint. They work by shifting the weight from the damaged part of your knee to the stronger part. In your case, shifting it from the medial or inner part of your knee to the lateral or outer part.”

“Sounds promising.”

“I’ll be upfront and say they’re not the most comfortable things to wear.”

Immediately I imagined that I’d look less gazelle-like and more Robocop, but it was a small price to pay to get the pain under control.

“Can I get braces on both of my knees?”

I figured if they both had the same problem, I may as well kill two birds.

“Absolutely. I’m going to have the technician come in and measure you for the braces. We may or may not have to have them custom made.”

And by “may or may not,” I knew full and doggone well it was a definite.

“Any questions for me?”

“Nope, we’re good.”

“Well, it was a pleasure meeting you both.”

He shook both our hands and with that, he was out.

A little bit later, the technician came in to take my assessment.

“Hi, my name is Conrad. I’m going to assess you for your braces. Okay, if you could take a sit over here.” He pointed to the exam table and I made my way over.

He took a look at my legs and he was definitely studying them pretty intently.

“Hmmm, ok.”

I imagined that was code for, “this shit ain’t gon be as straightforward as I thought.”

“All right, so you’re going to need custom fittings.”

Cue in my shocked face.

“They’re right up the street so you just need to give them a call and schedule an appointment. And be sure to take these referrals with you.”

He handed me a set of papers to take with me.

“Am I all set?”

“Yep, you’re all set.”

We thanked him them headed to our car, slowly, to go home.

I felt so angry and defeated in that moment. Angry at myself for letting it get this bad. Replaying the tape of the previous surgeon who warned me that I needed to get my weight under control. And honestly, it wasn’t for lack of trying, some times more than others. But the amount of time I spent in flight or fight mode because of work made that difficult. The stress levels were insane and I considered it a small victory when I could just make it through the day. Losing weight was often at the bottom of my list of priorities, but time had proven just how ill-advised that decision was. I felt so low that I allowed it to get this bad, but in that moment, I internalized the sadness, the anger, and the shame of where I found myself.

I was never the smallest child growing up. For the longest time, I felt pretty awkward in my body, which is not really uncommon for late bloomers like I was. It wasn’t until I started high school that I realized there was a difference between being overweight versus thick. And it wasn’t until I went to college that I learned I fell into the latter category.

So just when I finally began to love what I saw in the mirror, my lifelong journey with chronic pain began. And I did at least enjoy a good decade and change and met my husband before that pain began to make exercise difficult and before the pounds crept up on me. Then it became a vicious cycle: the more health issues, the more weight I put on, and the more weight I put on, the more health issues I had.

Chronic pain became something I learned to live with. And if you live with it long enough, few people can tell when you’re hurting. You become an expert at masking the pain because you don’t want to be seen as weak or less than.

I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that impact to my body and psyche impacted how I perceived and tolerated the abuse and toxic environment I worked in.

Apparently, it was a whole damn lot.