The Invisible Black Woman

There is absolutely nothing more clarifying than a crisis. Let me say that again, for the people in the back: there is absolutely positively nothing more clarifying than a crisis. Whether the crisis is at work, at school, or at home, there is something about being in the midst of veritable hell that can clarify things and people around you real quick.

I’ve never been someone who has had a ton of friends. I’m a big believer in quality over quantity. So while I may not have hundreds or even more than 10, the friends I have are the real deal. They are very much the ones that saying talks about that says something like, “real friends aren’t bailing you out of jail, they’re in the jail with you”—or so I thought.

As I have been with relationships over my life, I am overly cautious of who I allow in my circle. And not because I’m some kind of special, but because just as in life partnerships, you can’t give your friendship away to just anybody. So I am always apprehensive when I’m getting to know someone. But once I call them friend, I’m all the way in. The only way you’d get me out of your life is if you legit say, “I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

But there are layers to friendship. Not everyone you call friend considers you their friend. So they may not be as careful or thoughtful with your friendship as you are with theirs, or even hold it in the same regard. And when it comes to work friendships, it can be even more dicey. It can be easy to think and believe that the lunches and the texts and the emails you share with certain people means something. You can be led to believe that the exchanges and camaraderie means you’re real-life friends, especially when you commiserate over your struggles and challenges at work. Oftentimes though, those friendships are transient or of convenience.

Now I’m not saying that it’s not possible to forge lasting bonafide friendships at work. A good number of the friendships I have today began in the workplace. What I am saying is that it’s so important to know the difference between a situational friend and a real one. But if you’re ever in doubt, a time of crisis will show you quick fast which of the two categories your friends fall into.

That is what this crisis did for me. It clarified a whole lot. During my time away, I heard from exactly two people. And let’s just say that that isn’t nowhere near the number of people who not only knew a good bit of what I was dealing with, but that I confided in while I was going through it.

But when it was all said and done and the rubber met the road, the dust settled, and any other proverb you wanna insert here, they were nowhere to be found. I don’t exactly know what I expected, to be honest. Maybe just on a human level, I thought they’d reach out after me being missing in action several weeks and just see how I was doing. So sure I was in my confidence that they would eventually reach out, that it took months of radio silence for me to really get the hint. And I wasn’t devastated or angry, I was simply disappointed.

I hadn’t really thought about it until recently, when I caught up with my sister from another mister after we fell out of touch for a hot, hot, hot minute. It was sooooo good to catch up, kiki, and just let our hair down for a few hours. One of the things we talked about when we were catching up was a mutual acquaintance. I mentioned that I was no longer in touch with them because I didn’t consider them a real friend.

And I wasn’t just saying this because there was some unrealistic criteria I set for myself, but because the only time I heard from her was when she was being nosey or she heard some drama went down. Our relationship was superficial and consisted of the latest foolishness that happened in my department and her wanting to hear the deets “from the horse’s mouth.” It started to feel more like she was just tuning in for the latest episode of her favorite soap and less about how I was doing as a person she was supposed to be friends with.

So at some point, especially when I was in the midst of going through, I decided to cut ties. And I don’t regret the decision for even a moment. I realized when I was at my lowest that I needed to surround myself with people who cared about me and wanted nothing but the best for me. And a person who only gets in touch because they’ve heard through the grapevine you’ve been out isn’t your friend.

There were a few people in my life that I care for deeply and met at work that I chose to insulate from what was happening. Not because I didn’t trust them in the least, but because I wanted to give them plausible deniability and on some level, I didn’t even really know how to begin to tell them what I was dealing with, especially when I was in the midst of figuring it all out. One in particular texted me on the regular while I was absent. Our friendship had been forged “in the fire”—so to speak—at work, and she was definitely a real one. She would text just to say, “I’m here and thinking about you.” There was never any demand to know why she hadn’t heard from me or what was going on. Just a reminder that she was there. And her regular messages will mean more to me than she’ll ever come to know.

Meanwhile, the people I believed should get it the most didn’t say a single word. Not a letter, a text, or a telegram—neither in paper or song. And I gotta be honest, they did me such a huge favor. It made some of the decisions I had to make so much easier because it reminded me that I had to put myself first just like they were doing. And I hold no resentment toward them. I truly hope and pray they do well. Now with distance, I can honestly see that those people were only in my life for a season. And that season has come to an end.

One group of “friends” I decided to walk away from I was in a group chat with. Again, the friendships weren’t exactly deep, more surface, lighthearted for the most part, but I did often share a good bit of what I was dealing with at work, mostly because I wanted a safe space to rant about what was happening at work. Hell, we all did. When things really started going pear-shaped at work, I withdrew from the chat. And it wasn’t so much trust, but more that it became more about what’s the latest tea in my saga.

One of the people in the chat was also a current colleague, so we would run into each other from time to time at work. So the running joke became—the times when I would disappear or go silent and I would run into said person—to post in the group chat that they had proof of life. It was only funny the first time. I’m lying. It was never funny. So it went from trying to get me to respond to the chat to “there was a sighting today!”

Granted, I could have just said that I didn’t find it funny. I didn’t think I needed to. They had firsthand knowledge of all the foolishness I was dealing with and the inordinate amount of work I had to manage on any given day. So I thought it was obvious. It was that lack of awareness, coupled with the fact that at no point did I get a 1:1 message just to ask how the hell are you, really—at least not until they hadn’t heard from me in months—that made me realize they weren’t my tribe.

Something about feeling that the person asking you how you’re doing and you telling them not good, then their reaction is very much, “hold on, let me grab my popcorn,” just doesn’t quite cut it for me. What happens in my life is not for your amusement or entertainment. These are real issues and painful circumstances I’m dealing with. And anyone who is in your life that doesn’t get that ain’t a real friend.

More importantly than realizing who was or wasn’t really my friend, this experience has shown me the kind of friend I want to be and hope that I am. I hope I am as supportive to my friends as I wish them to be to me. I hope I am the type of friend that never finds joy, amusement, or intrigue in the heartache or struggles of those I care about. I hope I am the kind of friend that doesn’t just say “I’m here for you,” but acts like it. Because at the end of the day, actions speak way louder than words. I hope and pray that those who consider me friend if not family have found me to be the kind of friend I aspire to be. But one thing I know for certain is that I will always strive to be the kind of friend that is being bailed out of jail alongside those I call friends.

If I can leave you with any kind of advice to take with you, I say life is too short to be friends with people who don’t have your best intentions at heart. Surround yourself with those who uplift and encourage you and protect you fiercely. But also, be that person to them too. It’s not a 1-way street. You can’t ask of people what you’re not willing to give yourself. Don’t be mad if you’re getting exactly what you’re giving. Also, to use this saying very loosely, “you get what you get and you can’t get upset,” you can’t be mad if you’re not getting what you need out of a friendship and you haven’t actually said what it is you need. And if you have said what it is you need and you’re still not getting it, you can’t be upset if you’re sticking around, hoping and praying things will magically change on their own.

One thing I’m learning in my “mature” age is that just like marriage, relationships and friendships take work. And I’ve also learned that you have time for what you make time for. If you value the relationship, you will nurture it. I definitely don’t always do what I need to do, but I have no problem admitting where I fall short. But more to the point, the people that are actively part of my life are there because I put in time and effort. I can honestly say that wasn’t always the case, but we learn, live, and grow, right?

My last and most important takeaway—that I’ll probably repeat more than once in a bunch of these posts—is that letting go is so freeing. Let go of the resentment, hurt, outrage, or disappointment you feel over the friendships that are either dead or on life support. Once you have some distance, unless the cause is staring you in the mirror, you will look back and see that this was for the best. Life is entirely too short to spend it with people that aren’t as into you as you are into them. If you’ve given it all you can and it’s not a relationship that’s bearing fruit, it may be time to let that go. The forgiveness you give to the person who you believe did you wrong or wasn’t there for you the way you were there for them is not for them. It’s for you. Don’t let any person take up precious real estate in your head mortgage- and rent-free. That’s a priceless commodity and no one deserves that space that is causing you nothing but grief, strife, or aggravation. I’m sure I’ve said that, too, in a post or two. But seriously, channel your inner Elsa and just let it go!

Until next time, I wish you nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, which are no less amazing, marvelous, and magical than the creature you are.

♬Let ♫ it ♪ go!♩