The Invisible Black Woman

A few days ago, I got a response back on a follow-up email I’d sent about an issue I escalated. The answer I got made it abundantly clear that it wasn’t going to go at all the way I’d hoped—the resolution of things. And I can’t say I was at all surprised. In the back of my mind, I always knew this was going to be a possibility. Hell, hubby called it. When we first made “the decision” months ago, he very matter of factly stated that he knew what the right thing was, but Todd—what we’ll call the thing or person in question—never actually does the logical or right thing. In fact, they always do the opposite. So subconsciously, I always knew that there was more than a real possibility that this is where we’d end up.

Of course, I’m feeling more than a little frustrated about the situation, and hella mad and outraged at what Todd had to say for himself. But that wasn’t going to change things. So I sat there for a while just mulling over the whole thing.

A little while later, after I got the news, I texted my mom and told her what happened and what that would mean for us. And she responded with the level of profoundness that only a mom could give. All she had for me were three words, but I desperately needed to hear them.

“So you fight.”

She said so much with so little. I could hear her voice and see her expression as I read those words. I could see that look I very much inherited, that dares anyone who has the audacity to step to us incorrectly with just the eyes. Eyes that say, “what did you think was about to happen?” Or better yet, “you must not know who you’re dealing with.” I have yet to meet someone who didn’t heed the warning of that look.

Although it was the obvious next step, it was a needed reminder that it wasn’t the time to cut bait or surrender. Now was the time to dig in, dig deep, and lean into that innate stubbornness in me that hears “you can’t” or “no,” and only interprets that as a dare. As someone who is very keen on picking and choosing their battles, I knew without a doubt that this was the hill I planned to die on. Because to give up when the stakes were this high, and stood to affect so many others that came after me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

One thing I have always despised—especially because I have seen how damaging its effects can be, and have been on the receiving end one time too many—are lies. Lies that people often use to attack your character or make you believe that it’s not them, it’s you. Lies that poison how others see you because the lie is sexier than the truth. Lies that ruin reputations and that others use to retain their power. They disgust me as much as they infuriate me, especially when they’re directed at me. And I won’t let them stand.

So I’ll fight.

I’ll fight to ensure that if nothing else, the truth comes out and Todd is exposed for the gaslighting, narcissistic, toxic bastard that he is. I’ll fight so that other Black women currently in Todd’s crosshairs don’t have to deal (or continue to deal) with the abuse and trauma that I did. I’ll fight so when I replay the tape on this moment in my life, it’ll never be said that I didn’t do absolutely everything in my power to stand up for what was right. I’ll fight so that hopefully when it’s all said and done and when it comes to this particular Todd, others like me won’t have to. I’ll fight so that others under Todd’s clutches will have the courage to do the same. I know that it’s not going to be easy, but most things worth fighting for seldom ever are.

You may find yourself at a similar crossroad or proverbial fork in the road. The time may have come for you to make a decision: walk away or stand and fight. And no matter where that circumstance is playing out for you right now, if there’s a fire welling up in the pit of your stomach, a fire that is telling you that this is a stand worth taking and a cause worth fighting for, don’t back down. Don’t allow intimidation or the Todd in your life to make you feel like you don’t have a right to be valued or feel safe in your surroundings. Don’t let Todd make you believe that you’re wrong when you know that you know that you know that you know that you’re right—especially when you have all the damn receipts.

Even if you are terrified of what Todd may make up to discredit you, or the fight that lies ahead, fight anyway. Hell, do what I do most times when I’m terrified to do something I know I have to do: do it afraid.

Don’t give Todd one more inch, one more mile, one more chance to continue to do to you and to other women like you what he’s doing. Matter of fact, your silence and acceptance is what gives Todd his power. The more you stay silent, the more he thrives. Not only does he thrive, but he gets to victimize others like you because you aren’t calling him out for who and what he is.

And yes, while I do believe that no matter what, the truth will out, and while I believe that everything that is done in the dark will come to the light, the longer you keep silent, the more time Todd has to prey on other unsuspecting victims. And why shouldn’t you be the one to take Todd down? Why leave the job for someone else? Why not take a stand to stop him from doing this to others? If not you then who? If not now then when?

If that’s where you find yourself today, having to decide to $#!+ or get off the pot, I’m rooting for you to take a stand. If not for any other reason, than to stand up for yourself. Don’t let this be a regret you look back on for the road not taken. Not another day. Not another victim. Not another lie.

I, along with all of the ancestors that have come and gone before me, those who gave their all for what was right, even at the cost of their very lives, I am rooting for you as much as I am rooting for me. I have no friggin’ idea how this is going to turn out or how long the fight ahead is going to be, but I am not going to give up. I am going to take a stand. I am going to expose the lies, the toxicity, the mistreatment, the abuse, the disregard, the damage, the exploitation—all of the things that I suffered at the hands of Todd, so help me God.

And to you, beautifully bodacious, brilliant, brave, bold, badass, Black woman, you who finds herself on the cusp of a similar decision, one that may come at a high cost, one that may be the least popular and certainly the most difficult of options, I say to you the very thing I say to myself, with butterflies in my stomach and heart racing out of my chest as I consider the very prospect of what I’m about to take on:

So. You. FIGHT!